I'm 31 and life to date hasn't exactly been great for me. Not that I've had a hard life just the past few years haven't been the ... well shit, not exactly as i had planned, but what ever goes as planned?
I guess it really started the day I was born, I was abandoned by my mother and was forced to spend the first 7 months of my life as an orphan. Eventually I was adopted / renamed and relocated. Not that i blame my mother for running out on me like that, i figure that she couldn't handle the responsibility of a child (my understanding is that she was 16 at the time).
Like I mentioned, I was adopted, i had an instant family, two older sisters and a happily married mother and father, not a bad deal for any orphan. We lived in a small town in rural Nova Scotia for a couple of months before moving to Halifax. I spent the next 21 years living in the "burbs", rural enough that there was nothing to fucking do and close enough that if a parent was willing you could be in town in 15 mins.
Our subdivision was a fair sized and there were lots of kids to play with so as a child having Friends was never an issue. We always found something to do with our time, whether it was riding our BMX bikes, rummaging through the woods, swimming at the lake or playing sports at the Field down the street, we managed to occupy our time effectively.
School sucked ass, well it did for me anyway. As I got older and my grades went noticeably down (according to my mother) I was constantly reminded that when I was in elementary i had excellent marks, its funny because I really don't recall doing well in school ever. In elementary school there were countless trips to the Principal's office, calls home to my mother and the odd time that I was sent home and my mom had to pick me up. I remember being grounded a lot as a kid. I also vividly remember my mother beating my ass regularly and my father not really giving a shit about anything I did weather I did something good or if I was in trouble again. There was very noticeable favoritism toward my oldest sister, my other sister was the middle child and she still to this day has the middle child syndrome. But like I said childhood wasn't bad, we never went hungry and had pretty much everything we ever wanted.
Things for me started to change when i went to Jr. high, as i'm sure for most people that age can be difficult. It was a lovely time for me, I had a small group of friends, mainly because all of my friends had started hanging out with the "cool" kids and I got labeled an outcast. Around the subdivision we still hung out some times but at school they couldn't be bothered with me for the most part. No body was interested in dating me (oddly enough I used to attend a summer camp and never had trouble hooking up with some hot chicks there, but around home I was like a fucking leper), at the school dances no-one was interested in dancing with me, i really became a fucking outcast, its not like i wanted to became an outcast i was just forced into it. Its not like I was a geek, I was an athlete, dressed normal, kept up with trends etc.... tried to hang with the right people, most of whom I had grown up with but for some reason at school they were just too good for me. It was sometime around grade 8 or nine that I got my first bully, that asshole's name was Troy and to this day i still dream about putting two bullets in his head, dramatic I know but the whole experiance fucked me up, made me tougher in some ways and killed me inside in a lot of other ways.
The one thing getting beat up off the school bus every day did for me was toughen me up, a lot... trust me living with bruised arms and legs was no picnic, also wondering why no-body noticed them was even more troubling, shit I was just a misguided kid, I can almost understand why kids go to school with guns and kill all their classmates because I felt like doing it on most days. going to school sucked because I got kicked around in the morning at the bus stop, commnig home sucked because I got kicked around off the bus, the bus driver wouldn't say anthing because the beatings usually started while he would have been able to still see it (asshole!!), but in a way I'm glad because it probably would have just made it worse. So one day i took it upon my self to stand up and fight back, seeing as I was a scrawny skinny kids it didn't work out in my favor. So after getting my ass handed to me I had to get up the next day and get beat at the bus stop again, i even tried to go to different bus stops but it did nothing (we had multiple bus stops in our subdivision and he would wait for me to leave my house and follow me). The beating continued till one day I got fed up and fought back, and yet again got my ass handed to me, the whole time my friends would just stand there and do nothing. needless to say this whole process went on till i hit grade 11, suprisingly I hadn't killed myself, not that it hadn't crossed my mind a time or 12.
One of my favorite things durring that time was going to summer camp, it was something that my mother had been involded in a lot growing up. I had friends there, no-one beat me there, there was a group of us who would always go at the same times so we became good freinds and would hang out with each other and visit each other durring the year. I always had no trouble getting girls at camp, every week I had a different girl on my arm, and usually by lights out on the first night i had my girl for the week. So did by buddy Mackenzie. The two of us we always into something out there, but we had fun so it didn't really matter. Durring the year we often visited with one another, he lived in a small town in the valley and going there was great, no-one knew me, i managed to pick up girls there (probably because I was the new kid in town), we used to sneak beer and smoke (one of the few things i do regret in my life - the smoking not the beer) and we'd go camping in his neighbors apple orchard. I learned a lot about life with him and a few things I'd have rather not known. Anyway looking back on it now I'd have to say that Hanging out with Mackenzie were some of the best times in my life.
By the time i hit high school (grade 10) I had fallen in with the "smoker" crowd, I think it was more a desperate need for acceptance then anything else, my group of freinds was growing and my popularity with it. I still had bully issues with Troy and still hung ut with friends I had grown up with but ionce high school started i sort of stopped hanging out with the kids I had grown up with who had abondaned me in Jr. High. I still was an outcast of sorts and was comfortable slipping into the background but out of 600 students probably 200 knew who I was and liked me. Now don't get me wrong i wasn't Mr. Popularity but I was doing alright for myself, hanging out with some good people (my mother didn't think so but they were my friends and they were sticking by me) Naturally seeing as I already hated school, I started cutting class on a regular basis, hanging out smoking dope and drinking, obviously my grades were pissed out the window in the process, but fuck it I was finally accepted and was having fun.
I still took part in sports, I played football (soccer) and was very talented at it as well as basketball (another sport I did well at) and hockey (I sucked - can't skate well at all), I even played on the high school team for both soccer and basketball, my soccer coach gave me planty of tiem on the field but my basketball coach let me ride the pines the whole season, i eventually quit the team (after being forced to sit out the final game because ne of my asshole teammates took my uniform leaving me with nothing to dress into and the coach pissed that I forgot my uniform, oddly enough after the game it was on the top of my fucking bag, not hard to tell what happened there). Well when i decided to quit my mother lost it, i remember telling her that I didn't want to play anymore because I didn't like any of my teammates and was sick of being left out, it just wasn't fun anymore. Well she cried..... but I was done. I played soccer that summer and had a great coach (not trying to say that Mr,. murphy wasn't a great coach but he made me play positions I didn't want to play(goal and sweeper), i excelled at them but wanted to score goals. Wll that summer the coach saw something in me and made me a striker, well for the life of me I have never hit as many posts and missed the fucking net so many times as I did that summer, didn't score one goal... it sucked, I still played sweeper a bit only because I was a vicious tackler, and even played a coulpe of matched in goal but for the most part I usually played half the game as a striker, lots of fun, it really was.
Also that summer I got laid for the first time. I was seeing a girl named Kim (I think this moment forshadowed a lot of things). We did it at my friend Kelly's house in her bed. I was shaking so bad , barely got it in before kim had heard something that scared her and she kicked me off her long before i was done (this will become the story of my fucking life). A week or so later she got made at me for some stupid reason adn we broke up, she then decided tell everyone that would listen that I had a little dick, she could have said a million horrible things about me, but that was the one that stuck. The end result of all this is to this day I'm still self concious about myself even though I know that I really don't have anything to worry about, it still scar'd me till even today. (dumb bitch, i hope you got AIDS, from some greassy asshole who shoved it up your ass!!!) (can you feel the love)
At the end of that summer (between grade 10 and 11) I found out that I was gonig to private school for grade 11, my mother got a job there and my tuition was dirt cheap. I'll never forget how fuckig stupid I felt on my first day, shirt, tie, goofy pants and dress shoes.... Also none of my friends were there, just when i was comming into my own I get stuck in this fucking place where i had to start over.
After the first couple of days I got used to the school uniform, I finally figured that how dumb could i look when everyone else was wearing the same f'n thing. I was also close to scoring my first girlfreind at a school I was attending, her name was Cheryl, she had a great body, and actually liked me, and wasn't scared off by rumors of my teenie weinie (let me say it again... NOT TRUE>> it was said out of anger and unfortunatly it stuck with me). She was 17 had a car, things were looking up for me. I finally had friends in my school I was popular, the younger kids looked up to me (not sure why), girlfriend... life was great.
I was able to get away with murder in that place because my mother taught there, I got involved in a pretty vicious fight there where we had dragged a guy who had graduated the year before out of the school after bloodying his face up, it all started (well my fault i guess) over lunch that day as I had givin the guy the stiff shoulder while he was walking down the hall, after lunch he caught me in the locker room , more like a hole in the hallway where the lockers were stuck, anyway he drove my face into my locker, split me wide open, I turned around had blood running down my face, I can remember looking around and everyone in the room looking shocked at what just happened, so I grabbed the guy, headbutted him driving his teeth through his lip and he crumpled to the ground, so them I remember kicking him in the face repeatedly untill someone pulled me off of him. Then (I remember this as though it happened yesterday) Richard and I grabbed him, drug him through the hallway, down the front steps and threw him through the front door, shattering the door in the process. I can remember hearing teachers and our headmaster screamin at me to stop. I waas hauled into the headmasters office and he asked what had happened and I told him I was attacked in the locker room by this asshole and I defended myself. My mother was called into the office and the first thing she did was look at me and said "so what your fighting again", I told her no I was attacked and durring the whole process abot 20 other kids were telling the teacher and the headmaster that I got attacked and just defended myself. At the end of the day I was asked not to defend myself to that extreem anymore, I simply told them that if I am attacked I will do what I can to hurt the person who did it to me. For some reason all the anger i had wound up inside me was unleashed that day.
Anyway back to Cheryl, we dated for a year, she was a freak in bed, loved having her nipples bitten (I still find that weird) but yet as per usual more often then not I was forced to get off her before i was finished. I learned a lot from her including how big of a slut she was, seeing as at one point she told me that she had sex with multiple guys because she felt sorry for them, that didn't help my ego any.... At the end of the day she left me for another guy, lost her scholorship to a large university, and hopefully got knocked up and doesn't know who the father was / is ( A guy can hope can't he?) Durring that year I started drinking like a fish, pretty much every weekend there was a party somewhere.
When i was in grade 12 I decided that I wanted to go back to private school, i belonged there.... the only probelm was most of the guys I had become friends with went back to public school the next year, but we still had a good time. People from my area were asking about what had happened to me since i wasn't going to school anymore and suddenly when i went to parties in my area everyone was friendly with me again, so the drinking got even worse and the pot smoking got worse too. it felt good to show up to a party and have 20 drunk people wanting to talk to me, sure they were drunk but my popularity was on the rise. At the end of it all I had graduated with honors and was headed to university.
My first year of university went horribly wrong, I skipped class partied too much and ended up dropping out. But i was selling lots of dope, and by lots of dope I mean i would walk into my buddies dorm room with a paper bag full of weed and would walk out in 20 mins with nothin left and a pocket full of cash, i was selling upwards of 150 - 200 grams a week, my job at a local gas station made selling dope easy, my customers would drive up to the pumps and i would go out like anyother car and pump their gas, and sell them pot, it was business as usual.. or it at least looked that way. there were times when my boss would end up with extra cash because I would be so fucked up that i would screw up my cash float for the gas and my dope money, he never said anything unless i was short with the gas float. I was making so much money with the dope that I quit school (it wasn't working out anyway) and sold pot full time. I rented a cheap apartment got a partner and we worked 12 hour shifts. We made a ton of money, partied most of it away, l;ife was grand till the cops raided the place. It was my partners shift so he took the heat, but the cops were looking for me so it was time to cool off for a while.
I was used to making a ton of money as well as spending a ton of money and using a lot of party drugs, I was hanging out with the right people at the right places. I started running out of money, I was partying most nights and had paid the lawyer bills for my partner and still spending like i had lots comming in. it wasn't working out well for me, the cops were pulling me over regularly to hope they could catch me with something and i was being watched like a hawk so I was very cautious about what i did, where I went and with who.
